A memo from the Inhuman Resources Department

September 3, 2010


MEMORANDUM

To: The 8th Dimension Team; Managers

From: Paula Jenkins, Verlzox the Tormentor, Samuel Jones

Re:  Mandatory Sexual Assault Reporting

Greetings!

Is it not a lovely day today, minions? It's lovely to come in and see all your bright and shining faces (Some of which are still attached to your skulls! That minotaur is going to have to work extra hard, isn't he?) bright and early on this BEAUTIFUL Saturday morning!

Torment Inc. would not be the inter-dimensional torture empire that it is today without your tireless efforts, and the reports we force you to write! Some of you even got out of the last information gathering with a few fingernails remaining. :) Verlzox, Sam and I would just like to thank you once again, and remind you that should your body automatically shut down, having given up in the face of universe ending pain, a DVD copy of your final moments will be distributed to each and everyone of your family members. So let's keep that survival instinct flowing like the waterfall of blood in the courtyard. We all know the price of failure!

Don't you dare fail us. ;)

Just a few reminders. We've summoned the wolves back to their cages in accounting, and given you a five minute break to get a drink of water! Make it count, as there's no telling when you'll be given another moment where you aren't being hunted like the animals you are!

First: Everyone please remember that the company picnic will be 2 weeks from this Sunday at Leafygreen Park! Food, drink and fun will be provided! Anyone found attending will be immediately terminated with extreme prejudice.

Second: We have hired on 200 more apes in suits to close the gap left by those who have perished in the past week. They're all wearing name tags, so if you see them, be sure to introduce yourself! Just remember that 20% of them have been receiving steady and constant electric shocks for the past month and a half, and forgotten what it is to be human anymore. Don't underestimate the power behind a human bite! We all remember what happened to Frank in the mailroom. ;)

Third: We've been getting complaints that employees are using the last of the coffee and then not making another pot. Not only is this rude, but it also harshly reduces your co-workers chances of survival when exhaustion begins to take them in the dead of night... when "It" is loose. So please, be mindful of your fellow workers.

Finally, it seems that there is an issue in the office with sexual assaults occurring, and then going unreported. If you do not report these assaults, we're not going to be able to gather accurate data  on whether or not they're working! The Human/bear hybrids feel like all their hard work is going unnoticed around here, and would very much appreciate it if you all would fill out the survey cards left stapled to your chests after your 'encounters'.

So remember: We need your help to bring agony into the future! Keep up the good work! The wolves have once again been released, and we regret to inform you that the water you received on your break was HEAVILY poisoned. The antidote is in the break room on six, but there's only enough for half of you! Show us what you're made of!

Warment Regards,

Paula Jenkins, Verlzox the Tormentor, Samuel Jones
Inhuman Resourses Department
Torment Incorperated
(972) 555-0666 x1458
Paula.Jenkins@icantasteyourfear.org

I have always relied on the kindness of Zombie Ghosts

Victor Pascow. Helpful Victor Pascow.

He is the kind of Zombie Ghost we must all aspire to be, one day. There are many aspects of this ZG that have completely altered my plans for my own afterlife.

Having seen 'Pet Sematary' for the very first time last night, I found the most enchanting character to be the poor fellow hit by a truck at the very beginning of the film. His brain is hanging out and exposed for the rest of the movie, and one of his eyes is milky and glazed over, but that's only part of his charm.

Pascow decided that, after his head is maimed by a truck, he's going to become the most convenient ghost in the entire world simply because the hero of the story did his best to try and save him. Although all of his efforts are a complete waste, you can't say he didn't try. He tries to convince our wayward emotional protagonist not to bury things at the ancient Indian burial ground (because people need reminding sometimes), and goes as far as to lead him right to the edge of where he should not tread. Then in true, classy ghost fashion, he dematerializes.

As you can imagine, his words go unheard. I personally would listen to the Zombie Ghost that interrupted my sleep, hearing what they had to say above all others. Especially if they were being nice about it! You can never say for sure when those Zombie Ghosts are going to embrace their zombie side over the ghost. I'd do what he says. Fortunately, the producers realized that no one wants to see the horror film that ends after 10 minutes, and fails to properly deliver pets or a 'sematary'.

So Pascow make a decision to invade the dreams of our hero's daughter. Pretty much telling her step by step everything that's going to happen. At this point, after having been so blunt with the hero (Louis) already, he is, in fact, going out of his way. We're not even halfway through the film, and this ghost is trying his damnedest to make these people see the evil that surrounds them. This time, however, all he succeeds in doing is giving a little girl nightmares.

Well thanks anyway, Victor Pascow. You did everything you cou-... Wait. You're not done trying to save these people?

Far from it. Pascow is just getting started. You can't get this kind of service from Zombie Ghosts anymore.

Now, while Louis is attempting to resurrect something he really shouldn't at the ancient Indian burial ground (like ya do...), Pascow hops a redeye to Chicago from Maine to talk to Louis' wife, Rachael. Someone that can't really see or hear him. Now that's dedication. I would have just crossed over.

He is able to connect with her in such a way that she hastily boards a plane to go back to Maine. A plane she nearly misses, except Pascow HOLDS THE DOOR for her so she can board.

Apparently, chivalry is indeed dead. And it's name is Pascow.

Pascow also seems to have bought a ticket, as he is occupying an empty seat across the aisle, looking happy as can be that he's on a plane ride, while Rachael is busy having night terrors.

Once she lands, Rachael rushes to rent a car. She's in a big hurry due to Pascow infecting her waking subconscious with urgency and panic attacks (Nothing else has worked!), but the horrid looking lady at the counter informs her that there aren't any cars available.

Pascow don't play that fucking game.

He employs a technique he borrowed from the Jedi to "remind" the awful, awful woman that there is indeed a car available:

HERTZ CLERK

I'm sorry...it's been very busy tonight. I really don't have anything.

PASCOW

What about the Aries K with the scratch on the side?

(The clerk gets the look on her face of someone that just got straight-up mindtricked)

CLERK

I do have an Aries K, but it came in sort of beat up--there's a long scrape up one side--

RACHEL

I'll take it.

Whoa. Seriously? He can do things like that? He can secure reservations and snag you a rental car?
 
I'd like to now examine the possibilities or having such a spirit haunt your family. He can Tivo stuff for you if you forget, protect you from ancient evil magic, hold a plane until you get there, get you a rental car, and probably help you pull off an impromptu dinner party for 10-12 if you gave him enough notice. And he's pleasant the entire time! Aside from the fact his brain is hanging out all over the place, he'd be quite a catch for some lucky lady.
 
After Rachael crashes her rental car (it happens), She gets a ride from a trucker. When she exits the cab, we see Pascow sitting where she had been. I can only assume he was in there the whole time making sure the driver didn't try to get fresh with her.
 
Then he let's her know (she can't hear him, but I think she feels what he's getting at) that he doesn't think it's going to be okay in the end. He has every right to assume this. I would assume the same thing if all 37 of my warnings were completely ignored. He also lets her know that it's the end of the line for him. Good. He's earned a rest.
 
But wait! No! He comes out of retirement for one last ride, trying to warn Louis not to bury dead shit in the stupid evil Indian ground. Which is also completely ignored.
 
Fortunately, it really doesn't seem to bother him that much. He seems satisfied knowing that he gave it 110%. With these people, you have to be able to take whatever little victories you can gather. I mean, He got Rachael a rental car when there were none available. That's nothing the sneeze at.
 
The moral of this story is this: So many ghosts these days are childish, tantrum throwing do-nothings who just sit around the house all day with little to no motivation to do anything except piss people off. It takes a special kind of ghost to take an interest and try to do good for someone that tried to do good for him. That's a spirit with character.
 
He may not have been successful at what he was trying to do, but he went above and beyond. I would feel honored to have a ghost such as him warning me about stuff.
 
So when you think about friendly ghosts, think about this: When was the last time Casper secured you a modest, slightly damaged rental car?