MEMORANDUM
To: The 8th Dimension Team; Managers
From: Paula Jenkins, Verlzox the Tormentor, Samuel Jones
Re: Mandatory Sexual Assault Reporting
Greetings!
Is it not a lovely day today, minions? It's lovely to come in and see all your bright and shining faces (Some of which are still attached to your skulls! That minotaur is going to have to work extra hard, isn't he?) bright and early on this BEAUTIFUL Saturday morning!
Torment Inc. would not be the inter-dimensional torture empire that it is today without your tireless efforts, and the reports we force you to write! Some of you even got out of the last information gathering with a few fingernails remaining. :) Verlzox, Sam and I would just like to thank you once again, and remind you that should your body automatically shut down, having given up in the face of universe ending pain, a DVD copy of your final moments will be distributed to each and everyone of your family members. So let's keep that survival instinct flowing like the waterfall of blood in the courtyard. We all know the price of failure!
Don't you dare fail us. ;)
Just a few reminders. We've summoned the wolves back to their cages in accounting, and given you a five minute break to get a drink of water! Make it count, as there's no telling when you'll be given another moment where you aren't being hunted like the animals you are!
First: Everyone please remember that the company picnic will be 2 weeks from this Sunday at Leafygreen Park! Food, drink and fun will be provided! Anyone found attending will be immediately terminated with extreme prejudice.
Second: We have hired on 200 more apes in suits to close the gap left by those who have perished in the past week. They're all wearing name tags, so if you see them, be sure to introduce yourself! Just remember that 20% of them have been receiving steady and constant electric shocks for the past month and a half, and forgotten what it is to be human anymore. Don't underestimate the power behind a human bite! We all remember what happened to Frank in the mailroom. ;)
Third: We've been getting complaints that employees are using the last of the coffee and then not making another pot. Not only is this rude, but it also harshly reduces your co-workers chances of survival when exhaustion begins to take them in the dead of night... when "It" is loose. So please, be mindful of your fellow workers.
Finally, it seems that there is an issue in the office with sexual assaults occurring, and then going unreported. If you do not report these assaults, we're not going to be able to gather accurate data on whether or not they're working! The Human/bear hybrids feel like all their hard work is going unnoticed around here, and would very much appreciate it if you all would fill out the survey cards left stapled to your chests after your 'encounters'.
So remember: We need your help to bring agony into the future! Keep up the good work! The wolves have once again been released, and we regret to inform you that the water you received on your break was HEAVILY poisoned. The antidote is in the break room on six, but there's only enough for half of you! Show us what you're made of!
Warment Regards,
Paula Jenkins, Verlzox the Tormentor, Samuel Jones
Inhuman Resourses Department
Torment Incorperated
(972) 555-0666 x1458
Paula.Jenkins@icantasteyourfear.org
