Movie Review: Kazaam

Shaquille O'Neal, you guys. He was a Los Angeles Laker. He was 13... maybe 14 feet tall. He ate tacos on TV commercials. Sometimes one of his eyes would just kind of wander off and do its own thing. That's just how he rolls. He's the Shaq attack, baby! He had a video game where he beat up ninjas! He was a thing!

The land of 1996 was a very relaxed kingdom. It was powered by a philosophy of, "There are no dumb questions. Or answers. Nothing is dumb. Every opinion is important and should be acted upon." It was the 'participant' medal of years. So when someone walked into a conference room wearing hammer pants and said, "Let's make a movie where Shaq is a genie", did 1996 say, "You're absolutely fired"? Heck no it didn't! 1996 was all like, "I made a cocaine bet that I could make a movie out of anything anyone suggests, and I'm not losing that bet today."
 

Welcome to "Kazaam"

Francis Capra plays "Max" I mention his name because you need to look him up because he looks really different and you have probably seen him in stuff and not even known it was the same guy. Max is a problem child of the 90's. He skips school. He get's chased by bullies. He idolizes his biological father (who's a criminal), and he's got a whole "You're not my real dad" thing going on with his step-dad that the 90's really relished in. One day he's chased by the aforementioned bullies and finds a boombox with a genie in it named 'Kazaam' (like ya do). This guy only speaks in rhyme, which is not at all annoying, and he's played by world-renowned rapper Shaquille O'Neal. All 19 effin' feet of him.

Kazaam is a pretty crap genie. He initially can't even really use magic because he's been confined for a while and he's rusty. Okay, I'll bite. He eventually uses the power of CGI to make a crappy bike transform magically into a different crappy bike, and then almost obliterates his 'master' with a rain of junk food that is too much for one or a hundred people to consume. The kid eats one candy bar and is pretty much cool after that, leaving thousands of pounds of food to essentially rot in an alley. Where does this food come from? How may starving people could this dirt-child have fed? We'll never know. It's not addressed. World peace isn't even considered as a wish. This kid is just pure gluttony; as long as he has more, he's doing well. Capitalism claims another soul. From there, it's a lot of Shaq pretending he's not 3 stories tall, trying and pull capers, and a super believable story that he's the next big thing in rap music. This is despite the fact that he consistently delivers lines like he has a mouth full of bees. Eventually the bad guy gets control of his genie boombox and tries some stuff that doesn't quite pan out. Eventually, Kazaam transforms him into a basketball and dunks him... No, really.
 

I'm sure that someone was running around 1996 screaming "We have to stop this! WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS!?" But alas, his pleas fell on deaf ears. He no doubt traveled back from the future to prevent a tragic and bloody timeline by stopping production of the movie "Kazaam", but quickly found that we as a people were essentially just in a constant state of waking sleep. Stumbling though our day-to-day lives in a post-Crystal Pepsi world, clad only in neon, going to raves, and enjoying a brief economic up-swing that we will never see again.

He failed in his mission, and presumably died nameless.
 

Now am I saying that 'Kazaam' being filmed by human beings and released for people to watch with their human eyes is directly responsible for the rise of hatred, nationalism, and the overall collapse of our nation? The numbers are still coming in. Nothing can be said for certain. Draw your own conclusions. The evidence is there. Have you even seen Zeitgeist? Open your eyes, sheeple.
Kazaam doesn't get a rating, as it was not a movie. It was an event. A big, flashy, dumb thing that occurred. We flew to close to the sun, and Shaq caught us in his big muscle-y arms. When you fall down a flight of stairs, breaking your arm and biting though your own tongue, typically you don't rate it out of five.

That being said, actually do watch it. Drink and watch it. Gather your loved ones, and order a sixer of Zima from Japan. Shaq gon' make everything okay.

Elysium: My Second Home

Austin is a special city. It's a liberal oasis in a sea of conservative thoughts and ideals that not only welcomes all cultures, but makes an effort to integrate them into the tapestry of the city. Everywhere you turn in Austin, you're going to find a reminder that you're not quite in Texas anymore. I've lived here for seven years, and I still find amazing new things to see and do. Experiences to enrich my soul, music to carry me to other dimensions, and friends that I know will always be with me, no matter where I go from here.

When I first arrived, I had no one. A former small-town barfly, I had searched desperately for somewhere I could hang my hat. Something with a 'Cheers' feel. You know, “where everybody knows your name”. It took me a while to find it. Sometimes I would go somewhere intent on finding my scene, only to arrive at a restaurant with a bar in it! As we all know, that's about as low as you can go when you're searching for a bar to call home. “I'll have the quesadilla, please. Can I get a side of fish as well? Can you make sure it's out of water, and roasted in an over made of pure sadness? Super.”

However, sometimes you just end up in the right place at the right time. On one of these outings, I met a lovely young lady, and we became friends. Suddenly, it was on! We we're going to go to her bar. I had no idea that I would spend the net seven years in that very bar.

On 7^th and Red River, there's a long, gated patio sitting between two big, red doors. There will be someone by the door (usually either a long-haired, friendly fellow, or a severe-looking German) who will welcome you into Austin's premiere Goth bar. Elysium.

Formally known as the Atomic Cafe, Elysium is the darkly clothed den of clove cigarettes and reasonably priced drinks that 17 year old you used to write about when you couldn't think of any awful poetry.

The first thing you'll undoubtedly notice abut Elysium is that it's not your run-of-the-mill nightclub. It is a gathering place for all different kinds of people to come together and be welcome. Every few minutes, someone new will enter that door, and a crowd of people will greet them like a soldier returning from war. It's the happiest goth club you've ever seen, with smile all around, people handing their drinks to their friends so that they can go dance, and an experienced bar staff at the ready to put a drink in your hand.

There are two bar counters in the building; the main bar up top, and the lower, smaller bar that used for nights that would have larger crowds. The bar is well stocked, and while the bar itself may not have a cocktail menu, the bartenders have been at this game for a while, and can almost certainly make whatever you need.

The music scene at Elysium is delightfully varied, ranging from goth and industrial bands, to local rappers. From drag shows, to expert DJs, if there isn't something at Elysium that you want to listen to that night, you can always go and hang out with the regulars on the patio, as there's a decent chance that there will be something for you the next night or the night after.

Much of the time, Elysium offers more than your standard club fare. They have gallery nights where they invite local artists to come and show their work, many of them offering relatively low-cost prints of amazing artwork so that you are able to take the magic and talent home with you, while supporting the local artists that make our city so unique and amazing. There are also monthly nights when the club hosts the Witches Market, where local vendors come out with handmade jewelry, candles, masks, and oils to satisfy your various occult leanings.

And who could forget the vampires? That's right, Elysium is home to he vampire court of Austin, where the sharp-toothed, snappy dressers hold various fundraisers for the community, sell their handcrafted fangs that are built to fit your mouth specifically, and hold a yearly shindig know as the Austin Vampire Ball. Vampires come from all over the country to attend, and rub noses with the local royalty (We have a Vampire King and Queen here in out sunny oasis, and they are delightful, lovely people), which definitely makes it an even that you wouldn't want to miss.

I am proud to call Elysium “my” bar. It's the place that I can go where no matter what's going on in my life, I can always find someone with a smile for me, and a damn good martini waiting. It may not have the space or all the luxuries of other bars in Austin, but you would be remiss to count out this treasure of Red River.

Is it for everyone? Probably not. I can definitely see people walking in there and deciding that they don't want to be a part of anything there, but therein lies the beauty of Elysium: You may not accept Elysium, but it will always accept you.