I've been happening across many a news story lately that will talk about the cool things that rich people can get, that I'll never have. Specifically, about the awesome places that they can live, where they can have parties, fornicate and laugh at me in my poverty.
For less than Two-million dollars, they can get an island. Like... An actual island.
I know this isn't news to anybody at all, but just because I've known about this for a while doesn't mean I'll be getting more okay with it over time. First of all, I have to live with the rest of you douchebags, surrounded by all your stinkin' poor stuff. Poor stuff is dirty, and it's never where you put it. On an island? Nothing is ever out of place. It's right there. ON THE ISLAND. That seriously narrows it down! So unless you dramatically cast something into the sea, I wouldn't worry about where it is.
Who makes the law on the island? YOU DO. It's your island! If no one ever has a reason to go to your island (pay your taxes), you can pretty much do whatever you like. You schedule may resemble something like this:
Wake up
Climb down from tree house
Locate monkey
Sock monkey in the jaw
Apologize
Steal monkey's treasures
Trade monkey's treasures to beached shark for his shark sense of smell
Build sand castle
Devour an endangered bird
Naked time
Build a road across your island
Jaywalk on it
If you didn't read thew whole list, it basically states that when you wake up, you take all the drugs you can. ISLAND.
It doesn't end with the island, my fellow peasants. Oh no, sir! There are many more properties that the rich have that we can sometimes have the opportunity to glance upon (before the dogs are released) that I'm sure they take completely for granted. Like mansions. Who needs that though? Every Richie Rich and their exceedingly wealthy mother has a mansion. No, my friends. You want a domicile that has been around for hundreds of years. Somewhere that you can hang frumpy portraits, and traitors to the crown alike. Somewhere with a drawbridge. Somewhere with a THRONE.
Castles, you guys. Castles.
Castles are just amazing in every way, and contain within their high stone walls everything I want in a living space. Why would you even build a mansion? You don't know how good that mansion is going to be! This castle is time-tested pure greatness that has been there for a LONG time. You don't have castles built for you... No no. You get a used castle. Then you have a chance that there's a trick brick that hiding some magical artifact behind it... Like an amulet, or a haunted codpiece.
I intend to petition every single millionaire in the world, and beg them to buy me a castle. People may think I'm lazy by not earning my castle. Sorry. Castles are not typically achievable goals. Plus those bastards have PLENTY of money. They can buy a castle for a young man in need. I'll keep a bedroom in the castle for them. I feel like that's fair.
The rest of my castle would not follow the rich person standard operating procedure. Then tend to keep things pretty tame. Even a castle would be wasted on their lack of imagination. Me? I'm putting torches everywhere, trapdoors that leads to swamps beneath the castle that I have installed, targets painted on my lawn so I can practice shooting an arrow down from a high castle wall (during parties, people will more than likely want to try and pee on the targets. I am fine with this. If they hit it, then they can... get something... I haven't really thought that through. What do you give someone who can hit a target with their pee stream from a castle wall? Aside from respect, that is).
Not to mention, castles are totally haunted. Even if my particular castle isn't haunted, I can still charge for ghost tours, and those d-bags from the SyFy channel can come pretend they saw something. It'll be a laugh.
But the absolute best I could do is if a friend bought the castle next door, because then we could have battles!
"What'd you do this weekend?"
"Oh!" you'll reply, "I went online and bought some new shoes, went for a really refreshing run with the dog, and stormed Steven's castle in an attempt to dethrone him, for our kingdoms have been at war even since he said that he didn't like, 'Back to the Future'."
From there on out, it's all about giant slingshots that sit atop the structure for slinging paint balloons, Armor made from household (castlehold?) items, and a general feeling of oneness from battling your friends all the live long day. Can you imagine how the side of that castle is going to look after ONE day of paint balloon warfare? What about after a month!? That castle is gonna be all KINDS of silly colors!
So, while I wait passively for a castle to come to me, perhaps build itself around me, I will continue to imagine the endless happiness that would await me inside it's fortified walls... *Sigh*
...
I would also take an office building... The whole thing. Fully officed out, and well stocked with Victorian-era dresses a la "Pride and Prejudice", ready to be destroyed over a period of years by yours truly. You can help too, but only if I feel you can appreciate the importance of my work.
